I just wrote a Facebook post that was quite long, and I figured it might also be calling out to be a blog post. Rather than rework it into something more fitting as a native blog post, I’m going to post it verbatim here, as it was on Facebook, because it’s what I was feeling in the moment. However, I feel like this is the start of some things I need to get out as things in my personal life collide with my professional capabilities — something I know many freelancers, solopreneurs, and anyone, really, are experiencing today.
So, from FB:
I shared this [meme] without any context late last night. I saw it on someone else’s page and reshared it, but was being lazy and didn’t add a comment. I don’t share these “dumb meme posts” often, but for some reason, last night, this one hit me.
[The image says: “Losing a parent is so weird because you go through the rest of your life not being able to see or talk to them ever again but you still feel like you will. Every once in a while, it all just hits you that they are literally never coming back and you feel the feeling of losing them all over again.” — credit Lessons Taught By Life]
So I’m updating the [Facebook] post with a comment — I’ve really been feeling my mom’s loss lately, more than usual. It’s affecting every part of me and I’m trying my best to keep up with the demands of life. But the truth is, I don’t think I’m OK.
I tried therapy a few years ago, and although it was grief and childhood trauma that brought me there, the therapy never dug deep enough for me. It was surface level stuff — I focused on my work-life balance/procrastination issues. I don’t know if it wasn’t the right fit of a therapist (I really loved her as a person), or if I wasn’t sharing the right things. I tend to hold in so much, and doing that at therapy is certainly not going to help anything. While this grief has been extra hard for several months now, it’s grown over the past few weeks.
And I think watching Stranger Things as something to do with it.
The show is incredible with it’s set design, so much so that it’s transported me back to childhood — and while the show is on, I enjoy it for what it is. Then, since it’s usually later at night, my imagination keeps me awake — replaying the episode and going through all the what-ifs in my head. But then a deeper sadness kicks in. The loss of that era. While my life wasn’t easy back then, it had its charms and good parts — and I think I am mourning not just the loss of my mom, but all of that.
We’ve come a long way since the days when cordless phones were new and teenage road trips were sans GPS — but those were also the days my mom was here, but more importantly — the days when she was still happy and the way I remember her the most. I’ve held in things about mental health for the longest time, and I finally started being more open about it the past year or so — really focusing on ADHD.
But the more and more I think about it and the more and more I try different strategies, I think I need to face it. I might have ADHD, but I think what I need help with is much deeper than that. I feel like I’ve hit a crossroads — things are starting to pile up and it doesn’t feel good. I try so hard to focus on what’s good and what makes me happy and what’s rewarding — but I can no longer hide and cover up this pain. It took a FB meme and a half-season of Stranger Things to finally make me see (or rather, address) that there’s more going on than a lack of focus or motivation.
I don’t know why, exactly, I’m sharing this. Maybe to ask for grace for not being responsive as I should be or as a good friend as I should be. Maybe to let you know that you’re not alone. Maybe because a Facebook post is the new screaming out into the ether. Maybe because I need accountability, because if I tell the world I need to seek some professional help (again), maybe I will?
Maybe writing this long post is a sign I should be writing again; I haven’t focused on my own writing in a long time, and that’s also been bothering me — that I call myself a writer, but I’m not doing the work. I feel a tad bit of relief writing this post, which is a sign that getting back to writing my story might also be healing.
(This is all compounded by the tragedies and injustices in the U.S. and around the world.)
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